Friday, December 4, 2009


Hello friends, I think I really needed to vent tonight and this is going to be a bit of a long rant so please bear with me. I guess what it boils down to is the constant question of “What am I?” I think my earliest memory was in fact when I was four years old. I remember sitting in the bath tub and thinking about what would it be like to be a girl. I remember saying out loud “I wish I could be a girl” Then I remember feeling funny between my legs. It was arousal but for an innocent child it was excitement because I thought I was about to be turned into a girl. Then for many years those thoughts left me, they came back years later. Of course by then when I felt funny I knew why I was feeling funny, I used to have so many fantasies of becoming female friends. Body swapping and all that fun stuff. I used to put on female clothes with the wish that I was going to change just by wearing the clothes. I also remember seeing the movie “Switch” I was so utterly shocked that there was a movie like that. I then believed my dreams were possible, wishing to the He/She up in the sky (If you seen the movie you will get that reference). Of course nothing happened; in fact it was slightly depressing. Then in 1997 I was fully exposed to the wonderful world of TG fiction and the TG world. I was incredibly relieved to discover I was not alone in having these fantasies. Of course with discovering this world I also discovered that my desire and need to be a girl became stronger. Being older and slightly wiser I did research on Transgendered people. The idea of going for it all and becoming a Transgendered woman crossed my mind many times. But the more I thought about it and the more I read. I realized one thing, having SRS would not have made me happy. This is where I am completely lost within my soul, what the hell am I? I want a vagina in fact id do anything to have a vagina. Yet I don’t want the surgery, I don’t want a surgically created body. I want natural curves; I want to feel my natural breasts grow. I want ovaries, I want the uterus, and I even want to have the bloody periods (No Pun intended). I want to experience birth; I want a vulva a real friggin vulva. This is where the stupidity in my life comes into play, first thing I did was take premarin when I was about 12 or 13. I took a lot it wasn’t mine it was a relative going through menopause. I have puffy areolas now; I still to this day swear I have puffy areolas because of that. I have never felt another man’s chest but I dunno if the lump underneath the areolas is normal in a male. Some have said I’m a fetishist, others have called me TG others said I was weird. I AM ME!!!! What I am is another question. I am a guy and I am built like a guy. I could never feel feminine the way I want to because of that fact. I am weird when I girl watched there would be two types I would break it down to. #1. Girls I wanted to make love to. #2. Girls I was jealous of and wanted to be.

I am such a dork, every time I visit a mall I always have the hope I would find a Spells R us store. I look for spells online to fulfill my desires. I even go to flea markets hoping to find something that will change me. I have tried many times to sell my soul (Obviously didn’t work) In my real life only three people know of my wishes and desires. One doesn’t understand it but begrudgingly accepts it. One I regret not telling sooner as she would have embraced it and helped me. And the third is not living anymore. It’s a life of confusion and wants; will I ever be a female? I highly doubt it, but I would give almost anything to become one even if it was for just a day.


  1. I have the same point of view with girls. I've come to call the two groups "chics" and "girls". To me, chics are cool and/or cute--someone admired and want to be like. Girls are hot--a spouse interest.

    I recall the felling alone, finding the TG community, and telling those close few. Those three include one who considers it a mental condition, but he is alright with it, one who doesn't bring it up unless I do (I thank her for pulling me away from angerly telling my father, btw), and the last who helped me bring words to it.

    At any rate, sleep calls.
    Jade Timber

  2. Kascey, your thoughts are eerily similar to my own thoughts on who I am. I'm talking incredibly eerie in their similarity.

    I know it's been close to a year since you posted these "thoughts", but I just had to speak up. Feel free to contact me if you so choose.

    Sara (SaraPTK at gmail dot com)

  3. I like what you wrote, probably because I'm the same way... want to become a girl, but not really that high on surgery. I would love to become 100% woman... (I'm at lanthia0 on y! and lanthiaa4 on aim)